Animal Internet

Every year it’s the same routine - I eat a large meal on October 25th and head under this bed for a week of hiding.

It’s not the animal sacrificing part of Halloween that I’m afraid of.  I’m hiding because I want to avoid being dressed in a cute outfit for the amusement of humans.  Being a cat, I’m apathetic about pretty much everything.  Getting stuffed into an insipid costume, however, and then being forced to pose for internet pictures, well, that’s where I draw the line.

If I wanted to wear that bright red elf hat I would have put on the bright red elf hat myself.  But I didn’t, did I?  Didn’t my struggling to get away tell you that, perhaps, I didn’t want to wear said hat? Obviously not.  So let me try to make it even clearer.  For the record - do not dress me (or any cat) in costumes.  Donning sloppily sewn patches of smelly red flannel that "Mommy-Umpkems" found that morning in the notions drawer is not a cat thing.  Write that down.  Now please post it on the inside of your forehead.

The only remotely good thing about Halloween is knowing that dogs have it worse than cats.  Wearing reindeer antlers that squeak is certainly demeaning to a feline but it can’t touch the humiliation level of chihuahuas dressed in hot-dog outfits.  Forgive me if my schadenfreude is showing but I do enjoy looking out the window at massifs being paraded down the block with a pirate patch over one eye and a parrot doll duct-taped to their collar.  What’s that, Fido?  You want a piece of this cat?  If you think you can catch me while dragging that wagon with the plastic cannon strapped behind you, say the word.