Animal Internet

Researchers have found a way to clone stem cells from monkey genes.  With the organ grinder market completely dried up and labs only hiring low-paid rhesus types from India, this news could not have come at a better time.  (The possible exception being during closing arguments at the Scopes Trial.)

This is an opportunity for monkeys (and apes and gorillas) to become associated with something beyond bananas and flying feces!  Think about it - if we play our cards right we"ll soon be linked to breakthroughs in cancer and diabetes!  

We’re going to have to work fast.  It’s only a matter of time before scientists also find a way to make stem cells from rodent and birds.  The Pony Express didn’t happen by accident.  Horses got in early, before the elks and deer could establish a foothold, and we have to do the same.  Another thing to consider is that once companies hire the first batch of monkeys they could clone them when additional positions open up.  The trick will be to quickly establish a union to fight for job protection... But I"m getting ahead of myself.

Breaks like this don’t come along often.  Let’s not muck it up.   When your grandchildren ask what monkeys did back in the day that stem cells were taking hold I don’t want our answer to be, “Watched the squirrels claim the field while we sat back collecting pennies on the boardwalk.”