Saint Patrick Was No Saint
Let’s set the story straight - Saint Patrick did not chase the snakes out of Ireland as legend would have you believe. He didn’t chase us anywhere. We left on our own volition.
Patrick Sucatus (he wasn’t a saint at this point) was trying to pad his application for sainthood. He had already become a deacon and a bishop but he knew that only those who perform a miracle make it to the top of the Pope’s Consider For Sainthood pile. He also knew that he couldn’t just magically force his application to the top of the pile since that would require him to perform an actual miracle. Instead he hatched a plan. He made a deal with the Irish snakes whereby we would temporarily leave the island and he’d claim he had chased us out. The news services would officially document “the miracle,” Sucatus would collect his sainthood chit and we snakes would return a few weeks later, $200 richer for our efforts. (That was a lot of money back in the 400s.)
Sucatus obviously didn’t live up to his end of the bargain. He realized that if we snakes returned it would mean his miracle didn’t stick. (When you’re in the middle of hatching a scheme, sometimes obvious flaws in the plan get overlooked.) Well, suffice to say he eventually did see the flaw and called in some favors with the border patrol because when it came time for us to return we were denied reentry. And get this - Sucatus made sure that all records of snakes ever BEING in Ireland were erased And they call US snakes! As you probably can guess, all our attempts to contact Sucatus were ignored. We ended up spending the next few years hanging around the border, freezing our metaphorical arms off while Sucatus did shots of Bushmills and polished his sceptre.
By the way, we never got our $200. This isn’t the first time snakes have been screwed over by somebody connected to The Church. Remember the Adam and Eve slander? Snakes took the fall for introducing sin into the Garden Of Eden even though it has been clearly documented that by the time the snake got there Eve had already eaten the apple---
You know what? Never mind. Let’s not open that can of worms again.
Comments (3)
Clyde, I’ve been spending the last few days trying to work out the significance of your essay on St. Sucatus, the meaning of life, and the rising cost of cat food- but I’ve had no success. Do you have any answers?
Although I believe the essay speaks for itself, I will condense it down to bullet points.
- People connected to The Church have made some very successful real estate deals over the years, many at the expense of snakes.
- Life is a miracle. But a product that cleans cat odor out of carpets also carries that monicker. So where you get your definitions from is important.
- The rise in cat food prices has something to do with the cost of petroleum and the falling value of the dollar against the Euro. Being able to understand all the actual variables that go into the pricing however, would be a miracle.
Thank you, thank you, Clyde. This is very deep. Very recondite. I am humbled by the profundity of your bullets, although I am unable to see their points. Even so, I now feel better-prepared to face the vicissitudes of daily life.
Thank you.