What’s with the New Paparazzi?
Roland here. You might know me better as Joey, the raccoon character I played in DR. DOOLITTLE 2. Or if you’re really old you’ll remember me from the television classic, GENTLE BEN. My whole family was in showbiz, by the way. My great grandfather was in RASCALS (1969), my grandfather THE GREAT OUTDOORS (1988) and my father, as I’m sure you remember, was in ACE VENTURA (1995.) Look at me! Running on and on, listing credits. Enough about me and my family. What have you done?
I’m writing to complain that the paparazzi are becoming more and more brazen. For those readers who haven’t picked up a Hollywood Reporter or Variety in the past year and so don’t know this - the wife and I live in The Hills with the kids. (That’s Beverly Hills for those unfamiliar with Hollywood. Real actors in Hollywood don’t live in Hollywood, they live in Beverly Hills. If you’re an actor and you’re still living in Hollywood, well, let me just put it this way: “Pick up order for table nine.” You know what I’m sayin?)
We have some pretty high hedges around our property yet these paparazzi are going to greater and greater lengths to get a shot of me and my family. The back of our estate faces Britney’s property. Yeah, that Britney. (She’s not such a bad person. I once spotted her going through the trash cans in the middle of the night. We share a lot of the same taste in food!) Anyway, day and night, the paparazzi wait outside the gates waiting to catch me or my kids in a “not so raccoon” moment. I feel bad for Britney. She can’t even get out of her driveway because these paparazzi think I may be in the car! They chase her all over town just to get a glimpse of us together. It was never this bad before. My grandfather says it’s worse now than ever and this is a guy who, back in the day, was stalked by “Confidential Magazine"--
Darn! The phone’s ringing. I should take it. Could be my agent.
Comments (1)
Mr. Roland-- glad I caught you at home! Sorry you’re having Paparazzi problems- the price of fame, I suppose. Look, I know you’re busy, so I’ll get right to the point. We are putting together a new flick; we’re calling it “A Hero’s Tail”. You look like you might be perfect for one of our lead characters, a nosy neighborhood trashcan inspector who is always outsmarted by our feline hero, Bedward Tailman.
Look, let’s do lunch- I’ll bring the script- you bring your agent.
Call me.
Charlie, Director, Feline Films, Inc.