I’m Hiring Paris Hilton’s Lawyers
I ate a kid once. The details aren’t important. What IS important is that they caught me and put me in this zoo cage where I have been doing my time ever since. Over the years I have come to see that what I did was indeed wrong and I now regret every bite. My regret doesn"t matter though. I did the crime and now I must do the time. I am no different than any other animal. Or so I thought.
When I heard that Paris Hilton’s attorneys got her released from jail after only 5 days for a “medical condition” I was surprised. Since when did being rich become a medical condition? My shock quickly turned to hope. Maybe there"s a way out of this cage yet!
My grandfather was Winnie the Pooh. That’s right - I am one of the heirs to the Pooh Estate. We kept it a secret during my capture because we didn’t want to shame the family name. What good would come from telling the world that the bear who ate the kid had a last name of Pooh? Nothing. At least back then. Obviously times have changed. With being rich now considered enough to get you out from behind bars, my family has agreed to take the hit and come clean about who I really am. About my previously undisclosed "medical condition."
My lawyers will be asking that my incarceration be changed to house arrest. Like Paris, I would leave this cage, be fitted with an electronic ankle bracelet and confined to my home - in my case the 1,100 square miles of Yosemite. I would still not be able to travel or buy guns or enjoy any of the freedoms others take for granted. Make no mistake, despite returning to an area known for picnics, it will still not be a picnic.
I am not asking for special treatment, just the same deal Paris got.
Comments (8)
Chester, eating a kid is not the same as DUI and driving without a license. Eating a kid is BAD! Humans fancy themselves on the top of the food chain. You ate one of them. They don’t like that. Their theory is that once you get a taste of human flesh you will never go back to the wild stuff. This is one time money is not going to help. Humans put you there, and there you will stay. Sorry bud. You should have stuck with deer, gophers, whatever, but not a human kid. BAD, BAD, BAD!!!
My brother works for Hilton. He’s one of her purses.
The trick to getting away with eating humans is to also eat the humans that come to get you for eating the first one.
Hold on, some Judge just ordered her BACK to jail. It was a short-lived freedom. Equal justice for all animals!!
I think Paris Hilton should be sentanced to doing something positive and socially responsible and give back to society for a change instead of just taking. Maybe she could be champion for animals.
“Maybe she can be a champion for animals.” Are you kidding, Ruthbeazer? She’d show up wearing alligator shoes and a fur coat and we’d be further behind than before!
Eewww, I agree with mrrabbit, she’s too self centered. She doesn’t realize anyone else exists except to wait on her. Sort of like my sister, Velvet. Wow, Barton, your ideas bring out the animal in me but I think eating a judge would be tough. I mean the meat would be tough because that judge is tough. Sorry, Chester, I agree with Chubs, you shouldn’t have eaten a human kid. Better sign up for a book club, you’re going to be there a long time.
Chester, like it or not, humans run the show here, and it’s plain dumb to eat one of them, or even threaten to. It’s not just that they are stringy and tough and bitter-tasting (so I’ve heard!), it’s that the punishment is just not worth it! We don’t eat kids, or squirrels, or rats, or lions, or beetles, or any of those sorts of things; we just eat from cans and bags of food. Why can’t you? Forget those shyster lawyers- you need to get religion and ask for rehab when you see your parole board.