Sorry But I’m Going to Eat You Now
I'm sure you’re a nice gazelle or antelope or whatever I feel like eating for lunch tomorrow but your niceness isn’t going to stop me from ripping you apart and sharing your innards with the rest of my pride. Killing you is in my nature. It’s nothing personal. I hope you understand that.
I wish I didn’t have to. Really. I’ve tried going the fish route but it’s hard to find good seafood here on the Kalahari. And the whole vegan thing? Let me put this in simple terms - no matter how many slaughterhouse documentaries you show me, it’s still not gonna happen. My stomach isn’t built for all that fiber. So that leaves meat. Which means you.
Not eating you would go against my nature. It’s really that simple.
I’ve heard there’s a saying: the lion will one day lay with the lamb. Don’t bet on it. You know the old joke? “What’s the most disappointing thing about sleeping with a woman? In the morning she didn’t turn into bacon and eggs.” That joke obviously wasn’t written by a lion ‘cause in the morning you ARE bacon and eggs. I’m speaking symbolically here.
So when you see me coming towards you, licking my lips, don’t take it personally. And don"t waste your time trying to negotiate your way out of it. Unless, of course, that’s in YOUR nature. In which case, I wouldn"t dare ask you to stop.
I wish I didn’t have to. Really. I’ve tried going the fish route but it’s hard to find good seafood here on the Kalahari. And the whole vegan thing? Let me put this in simple terms - no matter how many slaughterhouse documentaries you show me, it’s still not gonna happen. My stomach isn’t built for all that fiber. So that leaves meat. Which means you.
Not eating you would go against my nature. It’s really that simple.
I’ve heard there’s a saying: the lion will one day lay with the lamb. Don’t bet on it. You know the old joke? “What’s the most disappointing thing about sleeping with a woman? In the morning she didn’t turn into bacon and eggs.” That joke obviously wasn’t written by a lion ‘cause in the morning you ARE bacon and eggs. I’m speaking symbolically here.
So when you see me coming towards you, licking my lips, don’t take it personally. And don"t waste your time trying to negotiate your way out of it. Unless, of course, that’s in YOUR nature. In which case, I wouldn"t dare ask you to stop.
Comments (6)
this cage I’m in says you’re not!
Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark. There. That’s what’s in MY nature. And by the way? Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark.
Barton, I feel the other animals do not appreciate your honesty and straightforwardness. You’ve let them know your intentions with fair warning. And you kill them rather quickly (a bite to the throat or a slash of the neck). I on the other hand sneak up on my pray and strangle them lifeless. If anyone should be hated it’s me the boa, not barton. Ahh, I feel better now.
I don’t know about your “killing nature” all I know is that I’m freezing.
Oh Barton!!!! Purrrrrrr!!!I like a man who knows what he wants and just takes it.Meow, Meow!!!