Zoo Rules
On behalf of all the animals in the zoo, here are a few simple rules that we ask you to follow to make your visit with us as pleasant as possible.
1. Please do not feed the animals.
Do not throw cheezies or popcorn or half-eaten hot dog buns over the fence. They clog up our intestines. This is not good.
2. Do not pretend to feed the animals.
That little “comedy” bit only reinforces our desire to kill you and make hats and rugs out of your hide. Count your lucky stars there are bars between us.
3. Do not make faces at us.
In the animal world, that means you want to have sex. Not good. No matter how strong you think you are, you cannot handle that. Be polite, take a look and move on.
4. Do not laugh at us for being caged.
Do you go to the local penitentiary and laugh at the inmates? Didn’t think so. If we wanted to, we could summon the birds to follow you home and peck your eyes out when you sleep. Who would be laughing then?
5. Do not point your cameras at us and ask us to smile.
We do not pose for pictures. If you want us to look happy, throw over some money so we can buy some Prozac. Small, unmarked bills are best.
6. Do not mimic animal sounds when you see us.
You only look stupid to all the other people in the zoo. Stop it.
7. Do not wear socks with sandals.
I mean, c’mon, what’s with that look? This rule applies outside the zoo also.
8. Do not wave your arms in the air to get our attention.
We are purposely ignoring you. Plus we’re hatching our plan to break out of here, barge into your homes and steal your liquor. We have no time for pleasantries.
9. Do not underestimate the power of deodorant.
We can smell you from the trees. It is not pretty. A shower wouldn’t hurt either. Who’s the animal here?
10. Finally, do not yell like Tarzan or sing Disney songs when you see us.
Once again, you look like a moron. And frankly, it’s one more thing that makes us want to jump the fence and pound your little heads into a fine pulp.
Thank you for your attention. Enjoy your day at the zoo.
Comments (5)
Too many “don’t do this, don’t do that” rules. Next Saturday, at about noon, I will be standing outside your cage to throw some rotten banana peels at you, make dumb cat faces, and shriek feline epithets. If you don’t like that, take it out on your keepers.
That’s right, Crystal. Looky what happens when you let Chump out of his cage:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/26285438#26311242
Rule #11. Do not pay attention to cats.
Regards,
Chump
You cats are a bunch of pussys.
Come into my house and try that crap.
So if the primate gets you fur ball don’t be meowin and howlin to anyone cause you’ll be gettin what you deserve....felines....dumb....
SSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
I don’t go into mutts’ houses, except to crap, Gunner. You sound like you really need a fresh hot meal.
From your gauche language, it sounds as if you can use some brain food.