Comments (195)
Chubs, baby, you sure like to live close to the edge! Does your human know what you are up to? After all the fuss last week, and that visit that Alfie had from you-know-who (no, I’m not going to mention names here, or names of certain agencies either!), here you go just asking for trouble! Man, if it was me, I would just let it lie for awhile until some time had passed, and just not mention that certain name “C----P” in public! That’s called tempting fate! I wouldn’t bet my chances if they catch you! Ever been in one of those places? They’ve got pretty strict visiting hours, so maybe I’ll only be able to hustle you in a gift pack or two. My family and I wish you well, but I sure think you ought to just play it cool for awhile!
Frankie, you are stressing too much. This is strickly on the up and up. I’ve been asked to try a new product and maybe for the right price give my endorsement to it. Okay, and maybe help with the distribution of it but I’m telling you buddy, the business is legit. Tell Alfred he’s safe. The badges were here, found nothing, couldn’t even make me break a sweat. They left very disappointed.
I might have need of your condor friend in the future. Ask him if he can do any night flights close to the ground and I need to know what his carrying capacity is.
So? My original question Frankie, how many times do you and your brothers and sisters get catnip a week?
Chubs, you’ve got to understand, Frank is very touchy about a certain topic, and won’t discuss it, especially in public. He was hooked bad, joined CA (Cataddict Anonymous)- they really saved him. He’s been clean for years now, but won’t go near that stuff, won’t even TALK about it except at CA meetings, which he still attends. So we can’t have any C----P in our house- it’s a hard and fast rule. For his sake, we never even mention it.
So you’re into some kind of legit venture, eh? Well, good luck. All I can say is, if it involves humans, watch your step, don’t trust ’em. That’s how Frankie got hooked; he trusted some slick-sounding dude who kept his stash replenished- then one day he cut him off cold, and poor Frankie was done in- had to distribute out on the street just to survive.
When I came out of the bushes the other day, I meant to say a big “hello” to Velvet, who looks like a real princess. Tell her I feel her vibes! Is she available?
We’re working on making a deal with our big bird friend. Stay tuned.
Alfred, please give Frank my sincerest apologies. I didn’t mean to bring up painful memories. I didn’t know his history and now a lot of things make sense.
Yup, my sister, Velvet, is available but I have to warn you - she is high maintenance. She requires constant adoration, petting, attention and is very vocal in her opinions on just about every thing that exists. She is very picky about what she eats, a little on the chunky side if you ask me, for such a picky eater. I don’t know if your condor friend can lift her! You’re welcome to contact her. She’s going to look at your profile later she said.
Okay, back to business:
Once a week: 1; Never: 1
This is not the response I was hoping for. My future prospects are circling the drain!
Chubs, sorry you are having trouble with your new business venture. You know, that’s the way it is sometimes with new things. They seem impossible- and then all of a sudden it all starts to work! Just hang in there!
If you promise not to tell my associates, I’ll let you in on something. A couple of us (including me) kind of like to get our kicks from a little snort of C----P now and then, but we have to do it on the sly! We’ve got our own connection, but I can’t mention any names. So I can tell you, I stoke up about once a month, although it’s not very regular. Depends on the supply. Mum’s the word, now!
By the way, Chubs, anyone ever tell you you’re kind of cute? I think you look like a movie star.
Lucyy, just looking at that pretty face of yours instills hope and encouragement for the future. Once I get this business off the ground I might be able to increase your supply so you can have it whenever you want. Don’t tell your brother Frankie. I understand he’s in AA over this and I don’t want to drag up bad memories. So you had better have a good hiding place where he can’t sniff it out.
I’ll keep you posted.
I think you’re all kind of cute. I like cats. I live with a bunch of them, and they are so nice to me, licking my feathers clean, meowing me to sleep- want to hear how they sing? OK-
Meeeeeeeeeooooooowwwwwww---! Isn’t that great?
Anyhow, the reason I’m here- I got contacts overseas. This looks like the right place for me to stop by- know what I’m sayin’ ? You want good quality at the best price- give me a buzz!
Aston, we’ve been banned from the computer for 2 weeks because of that Mr. Lucky Bru-ha-ha. Mom is out working in the garden so I figured I’d sneak a quick look at what’s going on.
Aston, I don’t need anything from overseas. Good ol’ american domestic catnip is just as good if not better. Trust me, I’ve tried the labeled and the non-labeled and I know quality stuff when I taste it. This stuff I’ve been offered is like a kick in the pants - if I even wore pants!
So my question to you is what is your load capacity? This one dude has a need to distribute it over a larger area than he can do now. We can package it to accommodate whatever you can carry. Do you do night flights? Also, how much do you want per flight and how many flights can you do a week?
Okay, gotta go, I think Mom is coming in.
Sorry to hear that you all have been banned from the computer. Your human must be awfully hard on you. Well, I guess there’s no hurry replying then.
You sure do ask a lot of questions, Chubs. I’m here to pass on some iffy news from Aston, who is too busy and in a tizzy trying to cope. The Feds heard about his flying business, and that importation thing; and now he’s got to deal with the FAA, the DEA, the NTA- we’ve even had a visit from Homeland Security. Poor Aston is up to his wattles in red tape, filling forms out all day. I’m sure he’ll try to get back to you on those queries, but don’t hold your breath. Meanwhile, he’s got his wings in a turmoil, antsy to get started.
The Lady doesn’t have a schedule for the Nip. But we all know where she keeps it. Pepe is best at nosing the Nip tub to “hint” we’d like our fix. The Lady is pretty fair though- she makes sure all four of us get the Nip. Kenya Dog will come sniff it once, but then wisely stays away the rest of the night. The Basset will actually clean up the Nip and insist on snuffling us- what a downer! Sassy gave him whatfor, but he didn’t even notice.
What I really like is when the Lady goes into sewing mode and makes lots and lots of nip pillows. Most of these dissappear into a giant box the Evil Mailman takes away, but there’s still a lot left, and we get to test drive all the pillows we want.
(He’s not really Evil, but Kenya Dog says so, so we humor her.)
Andy, thanks for the update on Aston. Tell him to contact me as soon as he gets his licenses. I have to ask a lot of questions Andy, how else am I going to find out what I need to know?
Andy, I don’t want to start any trouble in your home but just how did all those “initials” get tipped off that Aston was starting this new career move? Me thinks, you have a mole and I’m not talking about the kind that lives in the ground. Someone close to you and Aston is tipping the Federal agencies off to what we were discussing. This is the 2nd time these badges have interfered. I think we need to be a tad bit more careful in the future as to what we discuss. Maybe we need a secret code!!
Tom, thanks for adding to my survey. Wow, what a great response I’ve gotten from the members of this site. Geesh, I need to bang my head into a concrete wall several times in order to feel better about this business venture.
Uh, Tom, just what is “snuffling?” Having no dogs in our home, I’m not up on their quirky habits. It sounds annoying and a little creepy.
Tell the Lady she can mail us any extra nip pillows she has laying around that you all don’t want. We’ll take good care of them.
The Basset is a dog, obviously, but with a really huge head. His head is about the same size as Spider Cat, or Sassy if she were to drop about 10 pounds (that girl has health issues). Most of his head is Nose. He likes to get as close to you as possible and, well, snuffle. Inhale and exhale rapidly. If it weren’t for the kibble fumes and the fact that this Nose is all up in my business, it would not be terrible. But that nose is a Target, and I don’t have a problem with giving it a good swat to keep it away from me. Kenya Dog has manners. The Basset does not.
Okay felines, Aston is bring Elmer over for a visit. Aston and I will work out a schedule for delivery. The areas we go to will depend on his load capacity and the days he is available. He has his own business he’s starting also. Now don’t get greedy and order more than you need because you are afraid of running out. I’m figuring on a 2 week loop but all is contingent on Aston and of course, how much my suppliers can get me. Each of you will have to let me know a specific drop zone. Preferably somewhere where the humans won’t find it. I take Pay Pal and all major credit cards, cash is good also. No COD orders, Aston doesn’t want to handle money.
Chubs, you’ve just got to be a bit more careful about what you say in public for ALL to see- the ice is a little thin here, the path is a little iffy, know what I’m sayin’ ? There’s some guys with gray suits been snoopin’ around outside lately, and caution is a MUST. From now on, I’m sending info ENCRYPTED. By the way, I got all my licenses pro tem, and Elmer is all set to go. We’ll cell you when we get close. Now the important part:
asdojfosaiuvnvsooiwoi wuiewoiwieurfj wiweifhropmpm eufheufheufheufhkk ,;amwpowejz/slsvjonveyqpehpanb
vmlsm skvp fjspai z,mnlju .’[pojslk’;qhfpdkcn alkdfjfyft
Uh, Aston, don’t forget to bring the encryption key when you fly in with Elmer because, that looks like gobaldigook to me. I don’t know why “suits” upset you, they are only human. They are not smart, they are an accident that crawled out of the primordial soup and learned to stand upright. We animals have been around a lot longer and are a lot smarter. The lady bugs are waiting on Elmer. They’ve been buffing their wings to a high gloss shine. He’ll need sun glasses because the glare is enough to blind you. Careful, Aston, when you come in for a landing. I suggest the roof. I’ll meet you up there.
Chubs, we’ve got a hold on. It’s simmering here, and I don’t mean just the weather. Aston is a very sensitive guy, and he has been in an absolute huff, sulking and mumbling since he read your last post. “Gobbledygook indeed!” he says, “all my hard work and careful planning ----- gobbledygook? I bust my wings, take all the risk, try to use a little sensible caution, and what do I get for it? ’Gobbledygook?’ Is that what you call appreciation?” He paces back and forth and flutters his wings. “I sure am not going to stand still for such insults! You can tell that dingdong cat that just because he doesn’t know anything about encryption doesn’t give him leave to prattle nasty innuendo about me! I’ve got better things to do with my time!” He stomps out of the room.
It’s been going on like this for days now. Poor Elmer, busting his carapace with anxiety about those beautiful ladybeetles, and now he’s in limbo. He is not a happy camper.
It gets worse. Remember those guys in the gray suits? Early this morning, they knocked, showed DEA ID, and hauled Elmer away for interrogation. He just got back, and is he ever in a frazzle. He refuses to talk about it. He won’t even say what they asked him.
You may think those “suits” are nothing, but remember this is Miami, and it’s a different world here; an alphabet-soup of agents behind every bush, competing for brownie points
My advice at this point would be to give Aston a chance to simmer down, and try not to provoke him any more.
Okay, I just got done slamming my head against the outside concrete wall several times. I feel much better now. Andy, tell Aston I put that Gobbledygook thing in there so when the “suits” read it they would think it was gobbledygook and not try to decode it!! I thought Aston would just read between the lines and play along. This was not an insult. I thought it was very clever of him to come up with this coded message thing. I wish I had thought of it.
I know all about the suits with the alphabet soup of initials. I live just a few miles north of you in Ft. Liquordale. They’ve been here several times and just leave frustrated. All I say is “meow”, which they can’t understand and they just scratch their empty brain cavities and ride away. The trick to beating them at their game is to act like the stereotypical animal they think you are. They suspect we can communicate, but they really don’t want to believe it.
Tell Elmer, the ladies are waiting to sooth whatever troubles he has experienced away. I still need to know what kind of wood Elmer eats, in case he gets the munchies while he’s here. I think the ladies are gearing up for a long party with him. He’ll need to eat to keep his strength up.
Tell Aston, I checked out the roof and marked the best landing spot with glow-in-the-dark paint.
I’m the new kid on the block, so I got the job of communicating this time, Chubs. Aston refused to read your post, so Andy had to read it to him; after which, with a brisk ruffle of feathers, he mumbled something about “half-hearted apology....” But, it looks like Aston is over his snit, although he is such a temperamental guy it’s hard to tell. I do know that Elmer is back to his usual self, and has his bags packed and ready to go. Aston has made up some special “flight balm” that he puts on his feathers, that he claims makes him weigh less and go faster. If nothing else happens, I am to tell you that you should expect them anytime around midnight any night soon. If you hear a heavy flap of wings overhead, that will be either Aston doing a roof recon for the glow-spot, or coming in for a landing (or maybe angels descending for other reasons).
The guys all think the way you all handle the “suits” is very clever, and obviously effective. We are going to have a big meeting tonight to plan trying the same strategy next time the alphabet types show up.
We haven’t heard about your family in a while- we hope Lucky and Velvet are OK. Tell them to be careful when Elmer is there, as he is kind of small.
Ellen, what a sweet face you have. This male always appreciates the beauty of all females. You are going to drive the males crazy.
Tell Aston I can understand the confusion and it’s no big deal. I’ve had a lot of experience dealing with humans, both good and bad. The SUITS are just a weird branch on their tree. They see conspiracies every where and believe they are doing good by interfering with free enterprise.
The flight from Miami to here should take Aston no time at all and Elmer won’t be inconvenienced in his carrier for too long. Don’t worry about Velvet or my brothers, they don’t go outside. Only me. I lived out there for so long before Mom took me in that I have to go out every night to guard my property.
I can’t wait to meet Aston and Elmer. The LADIES are so hyped that he’s coming they are swarming in the garden. He’s going to be busy. I hope he’s on vitamins.
I read your profile, Ellen. You sound like quite a paw full. My Mom built me a little house that sits outside the front door for those nights when it rains. I’m usually there napping when she goes out to get the paper in the morning. Maybe your human can do the same for you so you can have a comfortable place to wait for a sneak attack, and take a nap if you want.
Ellen, Everyone is fine here at home. I try not to go on this topic which my bother Chubs started. He drives me crazy thinking he’s going to make tons of money and have his pick of any females in a 500 mile radius. I left Alice a message on the CATS ONLY topic. She seems to be beating the males off with a stick. That happens when you achieve Queen status. Someday you too will experience that.
Lucky just posted on the DATING topic. He finally had a date. And we have to listen to him yak about it every day. He’s young, rambunctious and continues to pester me. How uncouth.
Give my best to the rest of your family.
Oh me, oh my! I have been admonished by the other guys for forgetting to include stuff they told me to include in my message to you. So here it is:
1. When I asked about your family, I forgot to include George. Oh me, oh my. How embarrassing. They were really hard on me about that.
Oh me, oh my! I have been admonished by the other guys for forgetting to include stuff they told me to include in my message to you. So here it is:
1. When I asked about your family, I forgot to include George. Oh me, oh my. How embarrassing. They were really hard on me about that. We like George just as much as the rest of you, but it’s my fault that I just forgot to ask. That was only my second post, and I got a little too excited!
2. Chubs had asked us about what sort of wood Elmer preferred. He says that his very best favorite is the wood of the Blue Virgin Satyrtree, which grows only on the banks of the Mbongo River in NorthEast Equatorial Africa. He says that he brought a small supply when he came here, but it is running out. He is trying to learn to like the local flora, but he says it is “tasteless”. He overhears humans talking about the “tasteless culture” in South Florida, and he nods his carapace in strong agreement.
Chubs and Velvet, you make me very happy and excited to read the nice things that you say about me. I don’t think I will ever get to be a Queen, though- I’m not sure I want to be one. You’re right about Alice! She’s the Queen now; she says there’s only room for ONE, and she’s IT. I wish I could be as popular as she is one day. She won’t even share her social secretary with anyone else.
Aston is busy balming up his feathers. He says it takes days to work in. He does say that the trip will not be as short as you might think, since he has to take a wide detour East over the ocean “to avoid “government surveillance drones” from intercepting his flight. I asked him what he meant, and he refused to talk about it, saying I was “too young to understand.” Aston seems a little mysterious to me.
We all sleep in the house, so we don’t have an outdoor place. If I get caught in the rain, there’s a little screened porch to run to, or I can dodge into the bushes, or stay dry under the neighbor’s car. Alfie loves to run across the circle, back to his old yard at the house where he was born before his old family moved away. But no matter where he is, when the call to dinner comes, he barrels back like a speed-demon! We all do!
Ellen, I take no offense at your forgetting me. I know this was your first time posting, so it’s natural you would be a little nervous. Especially with the crew you live with looking over your shoulder and watching. THAT IS NOT AN INSULT so don’t go bombarding me with reprimands!
I will pass on the message regarding the wood for Elmer to Chubs. He’s up on the roof making sure his glow in the dark paint didn’t come off in the rain. He is such a nervous nelly, checking and rechecking every thing. He’s got the lady bugs out in the garden all in a tizzy waiting for Elmer. He struts around like the lord of the manor. All he needs now is a cigar sticking out of his mouth!!!
Ellen, Thanks for the message back. Your gorgeous, furry face makes my whiskers twitter! I thought you did a fine job for your first time posting on this site.
I’ve never heard of this African tree that Elmer likes although I’m sure George has. He’s always watching Animal Planet and Discovery. We lost a lot of trees to hurricane Wilma 2 years ago but Mom and the neighbors planted new ones but they are still small. Maybe if we sprinkle a little garlic on them they will be more palatable to him.
Tell Aston the landing mark on the roof is still there. I had to dip my paws in the paint (didn’t have a paint brush) so I just walked in a circle. It glows really nice in the dark. Some of the pigeons have been checking it out - they are so nosey! Now I’m going to hear from pigeons regarding that remark.
Stupid pigeons! They are using my glow in the dark landing circle on the roof as a pooping target !! They practice flying over it at different heights to see who can hit the center. AAARRRRGGHHH!!! I think they work for the “suits.” They are trying to obliterate it so Aston won’t be able to see it at night.
I’m now praying for rain to wash it off so it can be clean when Aston and Elmer fly in. I’ve tried peeing on it a couple of times but those butthead pigeons just poop more. They have no respect for private property.
Don’t worry Aston, it will be fixed by the time you take off. I’m hiring a couple of pigeon hawks to stand guard. I know a couple that would be happy to hang out here. They work for food you know so no money actually changes paws/claws.
Chubs, I’ve already been by your roof on a recon flight, and at first I thought I was in the wrong place, as all I saw was a hail of flak hitting your roof, but no glow circle. Now I understand what was happening! Don’t be too hard on those pigeons, Chubs, they never claimed to be geniuses. They just do the best they can with what they have. Probably thought the glow circle was an invitation to a feeding party. I sort of feel compelled to stick up for my little feathered brothers and sisters, even though they may not be too bright at times. Remember, they have a very hard life, can’t fly too fast or high, are picked on by all the aggressive blackbirds, crows and jays; and don’t speak very good avianese. Leave them a bowl of seeds in the yard, and they’ll stay off the roof.
As soon as you fix up the glow circle, we’ll make the journey. Elmer is getting spastic.
Aston, everything is a go now. We had a great rain storm 2 days ago and washed all the poop off the roof. The hawks are posted and are on guard duty. The pigeons are scarce. They’ve decided to go bother some other neighbors. How long did your recon flight take?
The lady bugs are nuts! Whenever I go out there they swarm all over me “bugging” me about Elmer and they are plucking my hair out. They think I lied to them. Apparently bugs aren’t big on patience. They want instant gratification and get a bit testy when they don’t get what they want.
I think you’d better hurry before they turn me into a bald cat. I like my fur and want to keep it.
I made a bigger circle outside the other one. Had to wash my feet in the bird bath. Mom can’t figure out why the water is that weird yellow/green color. And some of the birds that took a bath afterwards have feathers that glow in the dark. It’s kind of cool!!
The water has been changed so you’ll have fresh stuff to drink when you land. Let’s get this show on the road. The ladies are waiting for Elmer and you and I have customers to attend to.
It’s a good thing I read your last post and kept Elmer away so he couldn’t see it! If he had found out you were calling his people “bugs” he would have gone postal! This is a very big thing with him, and he keeps saying, “I’m not a ’bug’! I’m a person just like you! Call me and my people ’insects’, or ’beetles’, or ’people’, or ’6-legged people’; just show us the same kind of respect you expect from others!” Naturally, he would resent calling those lovely ladies of your garden ’bugs’, so please try to keep this in mind!
Alright, everything is set. The surveillance drones are out in extra heavy force lately, so we’ll have to make the circuit over the ocean farther out than I expected, so it will take a bit longer.
Here is the important information about our arrival:
47yy6feijjjfjf jfieonvndjss vnsdidi3829 .l.k.j.uy.jaoj:’[$%#@
Aston, sorry about the “bug” thing. I didn’t know. You learn something new everyday. I won’t make that mistake again. I like Elmer.
Got the message. Pigeon hawks are on duty. Should be a nice dry night. The ladies are waiting for Elmer. Have buddies stationed around to let us know if any “suits” get wind of this.
If we have to abort, )&%_)lnPIF-*)&jLSFO2;=()++(*)*&(. I’ll wait there and lead you in.
Have a nice flight. Hope you can glide most of the way. Should be a nice offshore breeze by then to carry you in.
Aston, what happened to Elmer? We were having such a great time partying and then he said he needed a nap and that was the last we saw of him. I have looked into all the bushes and even flew up to the landing zone on the roof and he’s no where around. Did he fly back with you? He didn’t even get to meet all the Ladies. I’ve got a bunch of girls coming over from the next street just to meet him. We need to find him. We miss him. He’s soooo cute and cuddly. We want him back.
Dotty, it’s nice to hear from you, and my greetings to all the Lady Beetles! I must tell you what happened. I was busy talking to Chubs about business arrangements, when I heard Elmer calling to me in a very desperate and plaintive voice from the garden, “Aston! Help! Come and get me! Please!” Naturally, I excused myself and rushed over there, and a pitiful-looking, bedraggled Elmer, barely able to fly, hopped onto my back, crying “Aston! I can’t take any more! I’m totally wiped out! They’re all over me! Get me out of here before I’m completely used up!” He burrowed down into my back feathers, and that’s when I went and told Chubs I had received an urgent call home and had to leave unexpectedly. Chubs was a little nonplussed, but agreed we could finish our negotiations later. Let me tell you, I was a bit worried about Elmer, since he seemed in a coma all the way back; and when we got home, Alfred insisted we go to the vet and get him checked out. Well, the vet said it was only that Elmer was prostrate with exhaustion, and she prescribed a long bed rest. Elmer has now been sleeping for the second day, and is finally showing some signs of life again.
Those are some Ladies you’ve got there! Elmer just told me if he ventures out there again, he will have to fortify himself first with some potent pills just to survive! I have a feeling you will all soon be hearing the flutter of many young Elmers’ wings in your garden!
Please give my regards to all your families!
Oh Aston, I am so sorry to hear about Elmer. I think I know what happened to him. I had sent out invitations and told all the girls to bring wood from their gardens. After all, he is a wood-eating Beetle and I thought it would be nice to have some different kinds of munchies for him after his long journey. We had Fireflies for soft lighting and Crickets for romantic music.
Then we got the leaf crashers. You know the kind - unemployed, unintelligent, and uninhibited. Well they brought some weird kind of wood. After he ate some of theirs his whole demeanor changed. He kept saying he hadn’t felt this alive since he hatched. He was really a wild and crazy guy. After their wood was gone and they found out he wasn’t a rich and famous Beetle they left to go to another party. He kind of spiraled downward after that and kept complaining he was tired.
After he disappeared, I asked Chubs if he provided those hussy morons with the wood. Seems he only deals in Catnip.
Elmer’s next visit will be different. I have arranged with Guido the head of the Anole family to provide security. I am inviting only Ladybeetles and anyone else showing up that doesn’t know the password will be promptly eaten by Guido or one of his family. They won’t eat us because they get violently ill. Seems we are not palatable to them.
Please tell Elmer all us girls send wishes for a speedy recovery and hope to see him again when you and Chubs get together.
Aston, Dotty just told me about poor Elmer. Wow, those Lace-Wings must have given him some kind of illegal wood. I swear I had nothing to do with it.
Here I was thinking the ladies just wore him out and it turns out the poor fellow got slipped a mind alterer instead. I hope he’s starting to feel more like himself. I understand some of those things leave you with quite a hangover. It’s why I stick to Catnip - no hangover, no blackouts, no waking up somewhere strange with some alien stranger.
Dotty is really upset about this. She’s already put in enough security for his next visit to accommodate the human president. Guido’s put out an alert BOLO for these Lace-Wings and he’s let his organization know that they “interest” him, if you get my drift.
It’s okay that you left earlier than we planned. I had all the info I needed to get with the financiers of this project. They liked our ideas but want to change the route a bit to help a few more customers. If that is not acceptable that will be okay, we’ll just keep to the original plan. I suggest another meeting when Elmer is feeling better to cement our contract.
Dotty, Chubs, everybody- Elmer is fine after his long rest. But I am confused. Elmer insisted that he spent his time making out with the Lady Beetles, but there was a huge crowd of them, and he grew so exhausted satisfying their demands that his body just gave out and he fell into exhaustion. (Now that he is fully recovered, he is going around boasting that he “scored” with over 100 Ladies!) He did say he enjoyed the munchies and the soft Firefly lights, and that he did get a little “excited”, and had tried out various wood samples he was offered, but his memory was sort of muddled after that. It’s a good thing he had the presence of mind to call for my help!
Your new security sounds formidable. Illegal-immigrant lacewing leaf-crashers are a problem everywhere, especially with crime on the increase, and the politicians in Washington spinning their wheels. No place is safe from them, and most of them are carrying fake ID.
Chubs, I will leave it to your sharp business sense to work out the details of the distribution plan. Just don’t get me involved in anything that will bring the SUITS down on us again! We will go for
another meeting soon.
Aston, I had to change the code a bit. One of those pigeons contacted a suit because I hired the hawks. It’s a simple change but should confuse them for quite a while.
Just substitute
Chubs, OK, it’s on for this weekend, here’s the data:
1840ur788fNh-’_+eu
Chubs, is there anything you can do about your ditsy sister Velvet? She’s been haranguing us nonstop about some silly Goddess cult she belongs to, and she’s turned into a positive pain-in-the-cloaca! See if you can tamp her down a bit, won’t you? Maybe her problem is she needs a boyfriend to keep her busy. Why don’t you try to fix her up with somebody- do us all a big favor!
Aston, okay, everything is ready for the meet this weekend. The Ladies are humming for Elmer. Tell him to stoke up on the vitamins.
Hey did you see where they are blaming pigeon poop for the bridge falling down? I’m just happy it rained before that stuff ate a hole in our roof. Do you think they could be terrorists in feathers?
Listen, don’t get involved in this Velvet vs your household thing. I’ve lived long enough to know not to stick my nose into certain things and this is one issue you don’t want to get caught up in.
When Velvet sets her mind to something, earthquakes and volcanoes couldn’t shake her resolve.
Let’s just keep our relationship strictly professional and leave the family haranguings to the others. Trust me, we’ll be happier for it.
Chubs, my man, no doubt you’re wondering why we didn’t show up this weekend! Well, we had a near-disaster! Don’t let anyone tell you that flying is all safe and easy! About 10 miles out to sea, we ran into a swarm of those US Government surveillance drones I was trying to avoid in the first place, and they were looking for us! No mistake about it! They must have spotted us, because all of a sudden, 2 F-117’s swooped down on us, wagging us down! Well, no way was I going to put Elmer’s and my life in jeopardy- so I high-tailed it down to 50 feet, where none of those guys could follow us, and I managed to evade them and go home.
I would have called you enroute, but I forget to pack my VORESAT phone (voice response satellite transmission- well, not really mine, I borrowed it), and I was too rattled anyhow. Poor Elmer, he said later he did not want to look, and hid in my feathers!
I think the Suits have broken our code, Chubs! We will have to use a new one! How else could they have ambushed us? Is there anyone at your place who could have ratted us out? How far do you trust Guido and his gang?
I hope the Ladies are not too disappointed. Explain to them what happened, and we will try again next week, using a new route! (Maybe you better keep it strictly confidential this time.)
Aston, glad you made it back to land unscathed. I’m not even going out on that side of the house with the butterfly bush. Those Ladies are scary. They’ve been swarming all over me, crawling in my ears, pulling on my whiskers, pulling out my hair - all because Elmer didn’t come. They blame me!! Women, go figure!
Guido is okay in my book. We have a history and a mutual respect for each other’s families, if you get my drift.
I’m telling you Aston, even though you don’t want to believe it, those pigeons are turncoats. I know you think they aren’t too swift in the brains department but they can’t be trusted. Haven’t you noticed everytime you are here that one or two of them are up on the roof. Pigeons are day birds. What are they doing out at night? The hawks report that one or two of them are always shadowing us. I think they’ve been equipped with those wireless ears by the suits and that’s how our code was broken.
I will have a talk with the hawks. We will make sure this won’t happen in the future. Don’t ask, and I won’t lie to you!
Hey, if you’ve got an extra VORESAT I have an idea how we can beat the suits at their own game. Let me work on arrangements for another meeting and I’ll send you the info via hawk. They fly too fast for the pigeons to keep up. I’ve got a friend with a private landing zone that owes me a favor.
Tell me where the hawk can meet you and I’ll get with you in a couple of days after I work everything out. Is this VORESAT too heavy for a hawk to carry back to me. Maybe I should send 2 to help carry it.
Sorry I don’t have an extra VORESAT. It’s very hard to get, since it is issued only to SUIT agents (that’s where I borrowed mine from) and is supposed to be secret. It’s not too big, only about the size of a deck of cards. But I will check again and see if there’s another way to get one for you.
OK, we’ll be at Location 7
Dotty, I just wanted to say how nice it was to get together with you and all the Ladies, and how much I am looking forward to seeing you again! Oh, the cats and Aston have all been marvelous to me since I got here, but it’s wonderful to be with my own kind of people for awhile! I also wanted to tell you what a beautiful pronotum you have; I want nothing more than to rub my maxillary palpae along its gorgeous surface! Your elytra, your sclerites, your lovely thorax- ah! Just thinking of you makes my haemolymph boil!
Dotty, I just wanted to say how nice it was to get together with you and all the Ladies, and how much I am looking forward to seeing you again! Oh, the cats and Aston have all been marvelous to me since I got here, but it’s wonderful to be with my own kind of people for awhile! I also wanted to tell you what a beautiful pronotum you have; I want nothing more than to rub my maxillary palpae along its gorgeous surface! Your elytra, your sclerites, your lovely thorax- ah! Just thinking of you makes my haemolymph boil!
Aston, I know you think your feathered friends are not the type to squeal us out to the suits but I can prove it now.
We did a test run with the hawks last night. Two took off, two watched from the trees until the pigeons started to follow. Your little pigeon friends had a relay set up between our house and yours.
Our hawks in front did not acknowledge they were being followed but our hawks in back watched while one pigeon would get tired and land and another fresh pigeon took off to keep up with the hawks. Even though our hawks could have out flown them they paced themselves so the pigeons could keep up.
They were led to another location SW of you but they were definitely following with the intent to find out what we were up to.
All the hawks returned and no one confronted the pigeons. We have another plan to confuse and divert them when we plan on delivering our message.
I saw one of the pigeons this afternoon sitting on the driver’s side-view mirror of a black caddy SUV in the park down the street. The dude on the driver’s side had shades on, a military hair cut and a dark suit. He was paying the pigeon off in seed.
Look around your yard. Do you see an increase in the pigeon population around there?
Just be careful when you and Elmer discuss the next mission.
Expect the hawks on #
Oh my Elmer, I can’t believe you posted that for the whole world to read. My antennaes have not stopped swirling. I want everything to be perfect for this weekend. We will not be disturbed. Poor Chubs, we’ve been giving him so much trouble. He sent Guido to explain what happened.
Why can’t these suits just leave Aston and Chubs alone? I thought free enterprise was the backbone of this country.
Let’s not talk politics like last time. Let’s practice those fancy dance moves you told me about. I’ve been looking up some moves of my own on the internet. Wow, there’s a lot of info out there. I could spend a life time and never get to half of them.
Hope to see you this weekend. Your loving Coleopterous.
Chubs, pigeons are the most honest and honorable of creatures. Pigeons never lie. Pigeons do not spy. They are incapable of deceit. I think you are building a straw man out of hints and suspicions that can just as easily point to other explanations. Those pigeons that the hawks followed- did they do anything illegal? No. Did they act in a suspicious manner? No. That pigeon you saw gossiping with a Suit in that car- how could you identify the pigeon? He might just as easily have been a private citizen buying some Spiked Seed from a pusher- you know the streets are full of them. Or maybe setting up a date with an “escort”. Who knows? Do you know that pigeon’s name? Can you prove he (or she!) was one of the pigeons that pooped on your roof? No. I know pigeons; they are my brothers and sisters, and I can’t fly by and hear their character sullied by innuendo. Lay off the pigeons. Someone or something else is ratting us out, or that I’m sure. By the way, our yard always has plenty of pigeons, but no more than usual. Also, I put the word out to the pigeon community that somebody (something?) up your way was informing on us, and to see if they could find out who was responsible. I trust pigeons. You should too.
Everything’s on schedule. Elmer’s too busy packing and taking extra vitamins to write (it’s hard and slow for him, since his hands and feet are thin), but he is very excited. Your data was received, and the lamps are lit.
Aston, sorry I had to send the hawks out to turn you back. I know Elmer was anxious to get home. Poor little guy, is all tuckered out. Don’t worry, Dotty will take care of him until your next run.
There were too many strange black SUVs hanging out on the road in and at the park across the street. Weird guys talking into their sleeves with dark sunglasses. Why do humans need sunglasses? We don’t need them. They kept scanning the skies with their infrared binoculars. I’m sending a hawk with a map of the canals. I’ve worked out a route to follow the waterways up here. It will take you a little bit longer flight-wise but who would think of watching the inland waterways? Let’s see the suits in their little row boats trying to keep up with you. The great thing about it is, if they spot you, you can fly inland for a while and get back on the canal a few miles up the road.
I figure mid week. You pick the day and send the info back with the hawk. They don’t want me to mention their names but you’ll know them. We’ll meet in the neighbor’s yard that I marked on the map and sneak in under the fence.
Elmer will be waiting in the butterfly bush. He’s already packed.
Well, Chubs, I’m glad we finally worked out the evasive details of this trip! Elmer was really glad to see me when I reached the butterfly bush, although half of him did not want to leave, and the other half wanted to get home so he could sack out for a week or so! He was even more exhausted than the first time! Dotty and the Ladies really did a trip on him. But he’s not complaining, as a matter of fact, after sleeping for two days straight, he’s ready for more!
OK now, brace yourself for this. Some of my sources have reported back to me that the leak could be traced to Guido, and they are quite suspicious of him. They tell me he has a very unsavory past, and advised not to trust him. DId you know he had done time in Pelican Bay for eating animals? What species is he anyhow? He sure isn’t one of us.
Evading the Suits wasn’t all that hard, especially since I was wearing my Coherent Spectral Dispersion Shield (COSPEDIS,- ’Invisibility Cloak’ ). Don’t ask me to loan that to you, as it is cut to fit me. It works pretty good except if my wings get tangled in it, and then you’ll see just a pair of wings flapping. I’ve frighted the *
Aston, Guido is not the snitch. He’s an Anole and only eats insects. He has a vested interest in our business. He’s not going to gethimself in trouble with me. I have claws and one swipe will do him in. Anoles are quite tasty. I lived off them for quite a while when I was a ferral. If it’s not the pigeons then I suspect Sir Nuts A Lot. He’s a cagey dude. I’ll have to keep my eye on him.
The hawks have been given a bonus, don’t worry, I take care of the ones that take care of me. They are worth their weight in gold. They chose another method of payment though.
Speaking of which, you never specified how you wanted to be paid. I know we spoke of some off shore bank account but I need the particulars in order to transfer your share. Don’t post the info, you never know who’s reading this and they could do a number on your account. Just bring the info with you on the next run and it will be there within 24 hours.
We did good. We’ve got another run set up to go soon, so let me know when you are free. Dotty sends her love to Elmer. She’s so cute when she’s happy but what a personality when she’s not.
My backers were happy with your ingenuity and perseverance and gave me permission to give you a nice bonus also. A few more runs like this and we can all retire in style.
Chubs, you’re kind of cute! I always liked the kind of assertive, go-get-’em kind of guy you seem to be. I like your business cents ("cents" for “sense”, get it?) , too,- looks like you won’t be hurting for funds. I mean, a girl has to be aware of how her bread gets buttered, right? Give me a buzz on my private line, 111-CATS, and let’s get together and talk business!
Chubs, before I left my nest, my momma taught me not to trust squirrels. She said, and I can hear her voice still, “Squirrels are squirrely! Don’t ever forget that, daughter!!” So, I think maybe you’re right, Sir Nuts A Lot looks suspicious right from the start. (In fact, he might just be blameless, but with a name like that, anybody’d suspect him!) I’d keep my eye on him if I were you. Before Aston’s next trip out there, why don’t you set up a honey trap for Sir Nuts?
OK, they told me to type up their message, which is: Aston says he gets the need for confidentiality on the transfer of funds, and he will bring along the info. He says thanks for the bonus, and is already dreaming up ways to spend it. He wants to bid on eBay for some sort of rare Speed Wax for his feathers, which he claims will give him 32.4% extra flying speed.
Elmer is so exhausted, he wants to take a week off to rest up.
Aston will notify you about the next schedule.
They all still treat me like a baby. I’m practically a big grown-up. I’m going to have to do something to prove it to them.
Hey Ellen, I may be “squirrelly” but I don’t rat out my buds. Although, there are a couple of other nut lovers in the trees that I’m not to sure of. They seem to have a keen interest whenever Aston and Elmer come over. I’ll have to keep any eye on them and report back to Chubs.
Before you go and judge us, you need to get to know us Ellen. I can be fun, sensitive, charming, whatever you want. Have you ever considered dating a squirrel? We’re great at gathering food. You wouldn’t go hungry around me girl. If you like sitting in trees, I’ve got some great views of the neighborhood, especially on clear nights with a full moon.
We could play tail twister, it’s a great game I invented. The ladies love it. Give it some thought, let me know. Maybe Aston can bring you with him the next time he and Chubs get together.
I’ll bet Elmer needs some time to rest. They kept the rest of the neighborhood up all night with their partying. Who knew the little guy had that much energy and stamina? I have to find out what kind of vitamins he takes.
Tell him I have “pictures” and if he doesn’t want them posted on the internet, we’ll have to talk “nuts!”
Crystal honey, what a vision of loveliness your face is. I could lick it all night.
Well, you’ve got my attention. Yes, I am becoming successful in my new business. Of course, I couldn’t have made it this far without Aston. His skill at evasion is masterful.
I don’t want to turn into one of those new richy, rich dudes who forget they came up from the streets. I’m think of starting a new magazine just for us felines.
I’m going to call it PLAYCAT. It will be full of great articles of interest to the feline community that will be informative and thought provoking.
I’m also going to have some artful layouts of female felines. You know, playfully seductive posings. Nothing too revealing of course. You know how males are, they won’t read unless they are enticed by something exciting. The female pictures should increase the subscription rates among males.
So, Crystal, have you got any pictures you want to share with me?
Hey Aston, I thought we had an “understanding?” Now I learn you are pointing the claw at me and accusing me of being a snitch? What gives? I treated you and Elmer with respect. I welcomed you like family into our garden, gave you refreshments and a place to bed down. All the while my boys and I watched out for your safety and now you think I’m the pipeline to the suits?
This does not sit well with all of us Anoles. Some of the boys are mighty upset about this. Chubs assured me he convinced you I’m no collaborator but I need to hear it from you.
Dotty hired me to look out for bush crashers so her and Elmer could have a romantic weekend with no disturbances. I think we kept our part of the bargain. Dotty hasn’t stopped smiling.
I know suits, and what I know I don’t like. We’ve had our conversations over the years and trust me, I wouldn’t give them air to breathe if it were up to me.
You gotta make this right Aston. The boys need to know that you trust us or I can’t guarantee Elmer’s safety the next time he is here. And you don’t want to be on Dotty’s bad side. Ask Chubs what she’s like if she feels she’s been crossed.
Sir Nuts, are you asking me out on a date? Wheee-oweee! I have not been on a date yet, and I’m old enough, so my answer is YES! I’ll ask Aston right away if he can take me along next time he goes! Should I dress casually or formally? Where will you take me? Can we really play tail twister? Oh, I’m so excited! Maybe I can wear my red party dress! I have the most beautiful little collar with sparkling gems that I will wear. And I have lovely little paw covers- oh, I’m so excited!
Sir Nuts, I really am sorry that I said anything about suspecting you as the snitch, and I’m really glad that you aren’t. You have such fine qualities.......I am really looking forward to our date! Really!
Gee, I almost forgot. I’ll have to get permission from the Family Council (yes, we have one of those!) and from the human. I wish I didn’t have to, but they keep telling me how young I am, and it’s for my own good. Well, if I run into permission trouble, I’ll talk to Alice and get her to fix it for me. She gets whatever she wants.
Hey Guido, what’s the idea of threatening to expose me to danger and put the freeze on Dotty’s and my relationship? What have I ever done to you or your boys?
You say “I can’t guarantee Elmer’s safety the next time he is here. And you don’t want to be on Dotty’s bad side...” because you are PO’d at Aston? Why would you want to take it out on me?
I’ll tell you one thing- Aston is my pal, and treats me like real family, and nobody is going to threaten us and get away with it. I’ve seen Aston scoop up guys like you and swallow them without blinking.
If I were you, Don Guido, I would tread very, very carefully from now on, and just hope that Aston is forgiving and forgetful. You DO NOT want to get him angry at you.
And the same goes for your boys.
Chubs, I don’t think I like the tone of your message to me. Alice took me aside and told me about what you told her, and I was as shocked as she was; and then when she saw your message to me, she agreed that your behavior is bad, bad, bad, bad, and completely inappropriate. We are wondering now if you are some kind of pervert, like those weird guys who spend all day and night sniffing and licking girlie pictures.
Let me tell you, Chubs, I’m not about to send you or anyone else any “artfully seductive” or “revealing” pictures. Just because I said I thought you were kind of cute, does not give you an open door into my confidences!
Crystal,
Women. I love them but I just don’t get them. They drive me crazy, they make me say stupid things, do stupid things and then I get my butt whooped because I went with my instincts.
What can I say Crystal? Like I told Alice, if you open the door, the hormones go through and the brain stays on the porch. Velvet has been berating me all weekend for my postings to both you and Alice. I finally couldn’t take it any more and had to go outside just to get a nap. Of course, Dotty then jumped all over me because of what Don Guiodo wrote and I had to talk to him and straighten that mess out.
Finally, Sir Nuts A Lot graciously let me hang out in his tree and get some much needed sleep.
I offer you the same apology I gave to alice. I meant no disrespect. I just thought I’d try and see how far I could go. I’m a male, that’s my excuse, inappropriateness is part of the gene package.
Aston, I don’t eat ANIMALS, I’m an insectivore - I eat insects - except the ones I like, like Dotty and Elmer.
I have NEVER been incarcerated for any thing, any where. While it may be true that some of my business dealings do not meet strict guidelines for being within the boundaries of totally law abiding, I have never been brought up on any charges nor arrested for breaking the law.
Guido is a fairly common name in this neighborhood and this is not the first time I have been accused of doing something someone else was convicted of.
My “boys” are not a gang of ruffians. They are kids that have had a hard life in the bush that I have given jobs to. They are understandably, loyal to me. I provide them with a structured lifestyle and a place to hang out with their buddies without getting in trouble with the law or with “gangs.”
Chubs did not tell me about your concerns, Dotty did. Don’t know where she got her info from but I know it wasn’t from Chubs. When Chubs makes a commitment to someone, dynamite couldn’t change his allegiance.
Elmer, Okay, enough of this. I was told that Aston was questioning my loyalty and accusing me of being a snitch. I have worked hard to earn the allegiance of the neighborhood and Chubs, and if you think I’m going to throw that away for some promise from some suits - think again.
Apparently, I was also being accused of something another Guido has done. I explained to Aston he has got the wrong Anole. I don’t like being blamed for stuff that I haven’t done and I certainly don’t like having my reputation mashed into the mud.
I figured if Aston didn’t trust me, you didn’t either. After all, we tend to hang with those that think like us.
I have already been read the riot act by Dotty and her girls. Don’t worry, the protection contract is still in effect. I don’t go back on my word. When I give a verbal promise, it’s as good as a signature on paper. My boys follow my lead, if I say you are okay, then they have no problem with you.
You, Aston and any of your family are welcome here anytime.
Chubs has got the hawks looking into where and how this ugly rumor regarding my “past” got started. Hopefully, we’ll find out who the source is before your next trip.
Ellen, Wow, you are going to be the first feline I have ever dated. This is Sooooooo Coooool. Whatever you want to wear Ellen is okay by me but you can’t climb trees with paw covers so I suggest you don’t wear them.
Tail twister is played in the trees but you have to have great balance. Maybe we’ll practice on the ground first until you get the hang of it.
Hmmm, you have to ask permission from a Family Council and your human? Wow, do I have to pass some kind of test here? I hope I don’t have to be interviewed and asked all those silly “what are your intentions” questions.
I’m just out to have fun. No commitments, no promises. I like meeting new creatures and learning about their lives.
I hope Aston will be able to carry both you and Elmer.
OK, Chubs, I’ll take you at your word. All I can say is that my bros, males all, do not behave that way. They’ve all had or have girl friends from around the block, or earlier in their lives. Some of them have been married and have children. But none of them go batso like that. OK, OK, so LittleGraycat is a little off-the-wall, but I think he is more of a tease than anything else; I know he gets a kick out of provoking your sister Velvet, because everytime he reads her messages, he breaks up laughing. {If you promise not to tell (can I trust you this time?) I will tell you a little secret. You look at LittleGraycat, how old would you think he was- a fresh young squirt, right? Well, you’d be wrong! He is an old man of 18 who is blessed with good genes, and still chases the young chicks! Now don’t let on I told you!}
I accept your apology, and I still think you’re kind of cute. But you really need to get your hormones in control, and just remember, a lady does not like to be an object of rude comments and fresh remarks. And the girls in my family are all ladies, even little Ellen. If you want to get to first base with a lady, you’ll have to act like a gentleman. You might learn some manners from Sir Nuts.
Guido, it looks like I jumped to conclusions because I thought that my sources were reliable. From what you say, it looks like they were not.
I owe you an apology, so here it is. I apologize. I’ve got to be more careful about checking my “facts” before I repeat them. I can see how you would take it as an insult. I don’t see how my sources could have gotten one Guido mixed up with another, as they are usually careful. I am going to have to have one of my old acquaintances who flies in and out of Pelican Bay every day, see if she can check the records personally. It is strange that a lizard would have been convicted of eating animals- unless the lizard wasn’t really a lizard, but something else in disguise. Then again, those California courts- they let OJ off scot-free, and send Guido(II) up. Go figure.
You can tell your boys I am also sorry that I called them a “gang”, because I was informed that “Guido” ran a gang for many years.
Looks like you’ve had a rough time with Dotty. Elmer says she is a tiger. I don’t know what he’s gotten himself into there, and I hope he survives intact.
Glad to see you and your boys are still on the job. We expect to see you this weekend.
Sir Nuts! Sir Nuts! Everybody! Aston, Elmer and I are flying in this weekend! Start the party going! My Family Council and my human said it was OK for me to go, but I have to follow certain rules, and they appointed Aston in charge of me! I have to be in by 11 PM ( I hope you have a place for me to sleep!), I am not allowed to drink any strong drinks, I am not allowed to take any “nip”, and Sir Nuts, I am not allowed to wander off into the woods alone with you. The human really wanted to talk to you and ask you what your intentions were; he does not think that is a silly question. But Aston said not to worry, that if anyone tried to lay a paw on me, there’d be animacide!
I am also supposed to tell you that you should all be aware that I am a young, inexperienced, underage girl, and they will not let me be “taken advantage of”, whatever that’s supposed to mean.
Whee! This is going to be fun, fun! You teach me to play tail twister, Sir Nuts, and we will have fun!
Whooooppppppeeeeeee!!!!! I’m sooooo excited. This is going to be great. My first feline date.
Don’t worry Ellen, I’ve already checked with Velvet and she will provide the food. I’ve tried cat food, it’s not bad but I prefer nuts, corn and seed. Velvet wasn’t impressed with my dinner selection.
She also will keep an eye out for you and she’s already told me, promptly at 11pm you will be going inside with her to spend the night.
You’ll get to meet everybody, they can’t wait to meet you.
I’ll teach you how to play tail twister and you can teach your brothers and sisters. It is so much fun.
I hope you are an early riser because we can meet at the feeder in the morning, after you have breakfast of course, and spend the day exploring the neighborhood.
Wow, this is going to be great. Don’t worry, my intentions are honorable. I would never dream of taking advantage of someone as young as you.
The hawks even said they would provide lookout protection while we explore. Make sure your claws are sharp, we’ll be doing a lot of investigating in the trees. I have so many places to show you.
I’m just so thrilled you are coming to visit, I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait!!!!!!!!!
Aston, Sir Nuts told me you, Elmer and Ellen are coming in this weekend. Great. I’m happy this soap opera has been resolved.
Dotty is buffing her wings and humming. She scares me sometimes.
Sir Nuts is going absolutely bonkers out there on the fence. He’s going to hurt himself jumping around like that. He’s telling anyone that will listen, “Ellen’s coming, Ellen’s coming.” He’s scaring everybody away from the feeder. He wants to borrow a brush to groom his tail. He’s wacko!!!
Don’t forget the “deposit info.” I think you’ll be happy with your share and the bonus I’ve been told to give you. Should keep you in that feather wax for a long time.
Tell your family Velvet will be watching Ellen to make sure she doesn’t get into any trouble. Rest assured, when she’s on the job, nothing gets by her.
I hope the girls aren’t mad at me anymore. I have no excuse and Velvet has been smacking me every time I walk near her. SMACK, this is for Crystal, SMACK, this is for Alice. Geez, women, I love them but I don’t understand them.
Have a safe flight and we’ll be waiting at the new rendezvous point - )&L;lf+)
Ellen, I am so happy your family is letting you visit us. Please consider our home, your home.
Sir Nuts is beside himself with happiness but I will have him calmed down by the time you get here. He never thought you would be allowed to come.
You will be staying with me in the house for the nights you are here and we will provide all the comforts of home. If you have a favorite “snuggle” that you like to sleep with, please bring it with you. Sleeping away from home can be a bit unsettling so it’s best to bring something that will comfort you.
I have already given strict orders that no practical jokes will be played on you while you are here. We want to make this fun for you and with the least amount of stress.
You are such a brave girl to fly with Aston. He is very impressive when he comes in for a landing.
Have a safe trip and hopefully, this will be the first of many visits.
Well, we arrived back home OK, but it was a rough ride. We ran into a heavy swarm of those &$*(@@ UAV’s and had to swing way out over the ocean to dodge them; and in the rush, I lost my VORESAT. Woe is me, that thing is so expensive, I don’t know how I will ever repay the guy I borrowed it from. I might have to take up a collection, or worse still, dip into my paycheck for this run. Anyhow, Elmer and Ellen, already totally exhausted from their visit, were thrown into a panic even though I kept reassuring them. Fortunately, I was able to throw my COSPEDIS over them and they calmed down. We must have gone at least 50 miles out before we lost pursuit. When we got home, they were out cold, and the guys had to carry them to bed where they have been ever since. They were able to mumble what a wonderful time they had. I owe Guido and his boys a special word of thanks for the great security they provided; and we’re especially grateful to the hawks, my junior brethren, for their super watchfulness. Everything went off without a hitch, except for those damned drones.
If you ask me, I think Ellen is a little strange to make a date with a squirrel, but they seem to have had a great time, and you all made sure that nothing out-of-bounds occurred.
Deliveries were made on schedule. I need a vacation. I’m working too hard.
Aston, Have no fear, I know a guy, that knows a guy, that knows a guy and I got not one but 2 VORESATs for both of us. These are VORESATRs - (voice response satellite transmission and radar). They are the newest upgrade of the VORESAT. Not only can we communicate but you can track those drones with the radar feature. They came from some “lost shipment” incident. I didn’t ask and I don’t want to know. I also got 2 handy little rucksacks with carrier straps to put them in. This way you won’t have to tuck it in your feathers with a chance of losing it. And the best feature - they are paws free - they come with a headset thingy so you don’t have to land to use it. How great is that??
Wow, what a weekend huh? I saw Sir Nuts yesterday crawling along the top of fence to get to the feeder. He was in desperate need of sustenance after his weekend with Ellen. Poor guy looked so bedraggled. I know they didn’t get much sleep.
Tell Elmer when he wakes up from his coma, everything is quiet in the butterfly bush. I keep hearing what sounds like little snores coming from the leaves. I guess Dotty and her girls are just as exhausted.
I gave Guido and the hawks the week off with pay. They went over and above this time.
George said to tell you the transfer has been made and you can go on line anytime and access your account.
Chubs, that sounds great! Leave it to your ingenuity and contacts to get things done! I am impressed. Can I pick up one of those VORESATR’s from you next time? I’m not surprised that they came from a “lost shipment"- I hear the military types lose an awful lot of shipments very regularly. Good work! Those rucksacks and headsets should solve the carrying problem! Sometimes I wish I had an extra pair of hands! Do you know if anyone has invented a way to grow them?
Good move with Guido and the hawks, I’m sure they can use the extra pay, especially the hawks. They don’t usually get into this sort of thing. I might be a little biased, but my fellow birds can always use an extra crumb or two. I checked into the offshore account, and all seems well.
Looks like little Ellen and Lucky might have had some sparks flying between them- at least there is some talk of that in both families. I’m surprised, as I know Ellen has really taken a shine to Sir Nuts and vice-versa. Do you think it might be the species thing that would keep them at paws’ distance? Personally, I don’t see the difference- if you like somebody, what difference does their form make? Well, I guess they will have to work that out for themselves. Elmer is still out of it under his blanket (he has a special lightweight blanket made of spider silk donated by some spider friends of ours), and it looks like he will sleep the rest of the weekend. I hope he doesn’t go into hibernation. I think Elmer has developed a crush on Dotty.
I need a vacation, Chubs.
Aston, let me know when you get back from your vacation. You know the holidays are just around the corner and it looks like we might be very busy doing “Santa’s work” for him. Our backers are expecting a two-fold increase in business. I hope you super-sized that order of feather wax. You’re going to need it.
Has Elmer come out of his coma yet? Where does he get his energy from? Maybe I should try eating wood. His stamina is legendary around here. Even Guido is jealous.
The hawks and I tried out the new VORESATRs and they have a range of over 60 miles. They said the headsets are really comfortable and the radar shows even low flying craft. This should make your flights a little easier. Guess what else it does? It picks up secure channels. We were listening to the “suits” trying to follow the hawks. We had so much fun with them flying in circles and doing loop-de-loops we caused one of them to crash their vehicle. They weren’t hurt but they weren’t happy either. I haven’t even figured out all the things it’s capable of.
Chubs, boy oh boy, did I ever need that sleep! You just can’t imagine how much energy it takes just to....oh, well, I don’t really want to get into that here. It’s just that Dotty and her girlfriends are so....so.....well, they just never seem to get tired. It’s been one heck of a visit after another, and I feel back to my old self again. Repaired.
Aston flew off on vacation a week ago to California, to visit his family and old friends, and to go “soaring in the canyons again!” He said he has to be very careful when he’s there, as he’s afraid the Zoo Gestapo might still be looking for him. He’s also nervous about the Government drones, but he says his COSPEDIS protects him quite well. We got a call from him just last night, saying all was well, and to expect him back in a couple of days. He is quite aware of the approaching holiday season, so don’t worry about that.
Please give my best to Dotty, and tell her I am anxious to get together soon. (I hope Aston doesn’t need another vacation to rest up from his vacation!)
We are very impressed with the stuff you are doing and all the new gadgets you have. Aston will appreciate the convenience.
I’m sorry to say there seems to be another dispute going on between your new friends Sharlotta and Sir Nuts A Lot on the one hand, and Charlie and Alfred on the other. It seems your new friends said some unkind things to them, and they are quite offended, and have called a Family Council for tonight (Aston will sit in by conference call.) I hope this doesn’t turn into another big family rhubarb.
Elmer, Chubs is on vacation too. He decided to go down to Margaritaville in the Keys for a few days. Seems some lost love of his sent him a postcard. He was off in a flash.
It’s good to hear you finally woke up. We were worried about Dotty and the Girls because they didn’t come out from the bush for days. Guido went in and said they were snoring so loud, it sounded like a forest being cut down with a 1000 chainsaws.
She is back to old self again. Of course, she’s muttering about men being slobs and having to clean up everything after they visit but her little antennae are standing up straight, so I think it’s blustering on her part. She really does look forward to your visits Elmer. We like it because she stays real mellow for about a week after you leave.
The fire flies were worn out also. They had to call in reinforcements because they ran out of energy to keep the lights on. Some of the ones that came in said they would only come back for double pay next time. It’s one thing to blink on and off when they want but apparently it takes quite a lot of power to sustain that light for any length of time. Who knew?
Dottie’s parties are always the talk of the neighborhood. You’d be surprised at how many bush crashers Guido and the boys had to turn away. Rumor has it that just to be invited to one of her soir‚es means that you “have arrived” in the neighborhood.
Guido said if he had taken the bribes from the bush crashers just to “peak” at the party, he would have made 10 times what Chubs was paying him.
I’ll bet you thought Dotty was paying for the security. Chubs likes Dotty and he will do anything to make her happy. As crass as he can be at times, like with some of your female family members, if you are his friend, he is your friend for life.
Dotty wanted me to ask you if you have to go into hibernation in this climate. If she was up north she would be hunting for a place to sleep out the winter but down here, she only hibernates for a couple of weeks.
Well, folks, my vacation out West was the greatest! I just got back a couple of days ago. It was great to be out in the canyons and forests again, and a refreshing change from the swampland down here. It was great to visit with my family and friends, and we were all glad to see each other, and it was nonstop party time. A couple of my relatives are seriously thinking about coming out here to visit and check the area out when they learned how much I was making on Chubs’ supply route. We’ll just have to see how that develops.
Elmer and Ellen are bursting their seams to get back to their new-friends. Elmer can’t stop talking about Dotty and her girls, and Ellen is so excited about a return visit she can’t catch her breath. She clearly does not want to give her real feelings away, and she says she had a lot of fun with Sir Nuts; but she is very anxious to see Mr. Lucky again. She is hoping he will ask her for a date. She keeps saying how cute he is; and that his ears are just sexy and special.
If Chubs is back from his vacation and it’s OK with you all, we will plan to be up for this coming weekend. If Chubs is there, please have a VORESATr ready for us, and alert Guido and the hawks for their customary top-notch security stint.
Aston, I think I need a vacation from my vacation. Did you know you can get very thirsty drinking margaritas? I think it has something to do with the salt and excess peeing. Wow, my head felt like it was the size of a bowling ball and weighed a ton. I never realized you could feel so bad from something that made you feel so good. Never again!
I’m happy to hear you had a great time and got to visit with your family and friends. Dotty has been pestering everyone as to when Elmer was coming back. Her glow is wearing off, the sooner he gets here the happier EVERYONE will be. When she gets like this, we give her a wide berth. Even Guido is keeping his distance and he’s not afraid of anybody.
Tell Elmer I found a new distributor that has some other kinds of wood he might like. I bought several samples for him to try when he gets here.
Your VORESATr is ready for you. The test flights were great. You are going to be amazed at what these things can do. We are on the look out for a few more because the hawks like them as well.
I think Lucky is anxious for Ellen to return. He’s so inexperienced and so scared she won’t like him. I told him he was a wimp for not asking her here on a proper date but he’s afraid she’ll turn him down. He’s young, he needs to get his paws wet and get some self-confidence. He and George are planning some outings for the 2 of them.
The hawks left you a message under the “rock” at our number 3 site. We mapped out a new route that should cut some time off your flight here. Just precautions. The other route is still secure but it doesn’t hurt to have a back up. They will meet you on the outer perimeter and guide you in to the landing zone. One of them will be wearing the VORESATr and will give it to you so you can try it out on the way in.
I hope the crew (Aston, Elmer and Ellen) arrived OK and is having a ball. Aston called us while over the water complaining about the big number of drones out again. He thinks they are after him. I think he is a little paranoid.
Elmer was raring to go as usual. I don’t know where he gets his energy from. He is anxious to try out those new kinds of wood you mentioned. He can’t understand why everyone doesn’t just love wood, as he says it “tastes like Heaven”. I trust that Dotty and the Ladies, and the Fireflies are all ready.
I must tell you that Ellen was disappointed at Mr. Lucky’s note, and she got into a funk after reading it. She had expected that he would ask her on a date; she complained that after all, she had made the first move. In fact, she decided not to go, but we persuaded her. Now she is saying that she doesn’t like Mr. Lucky much anymore, and that he was “sarcastic”. But we told her to keep up her good spirits and put on a good face and enjoy herself. Don’t forget, she is just as young and inexperienced as Mr. Lucky. I hope she gets over it.
Michael, all arrived in one piece, although Ellen looked a little rattled when she climbed off Aston. She had that “Deer caught in the headlights” look and her fur was all ruffled. Elmer said a quick hello to all of us and disappeared into the butterfly bush. Haven’t seen or heard from him all day. Guido and the boys are working in shifts making sure no leaf crashers get in.
I had a long talk with Mr. Lucky over his response to Ellen. He did ask her on a proper date after she landed. Of course, being female, she let him sweat a little before giving her yes. He’s very shy and I know I’m not the best role model when it comes to women but George and Sir Nuts have been trying to bolster his confidence.
They seem to be having fun today and even sat next to each other during lunch. Velvet made them both take naps because after filling their bellies they couldn’t keep their eyes open. I saw them later playing tail twister with Sir Nuts and his family. She’s got good balance in the trees. The hawks have been watching, discretely of course, to make sure no harm comes to either of them. Velvet told them they have to be back in the yard by dark and from the look she gave them, I’m sure they will be. If they are not, the hawks will bring them back. When Velvet speaks, even the hawks obey !!!
Aston and I have been busy and he really likes his new “toy.” We’ve been trying out all the functions to see what they do. Boy, you need an advanced degree to work these things. It’s a good thing Aston is as smart as he is or we wouldn’t know what half the stuff these things do. I’m sure he’ll tell you all about it when he gets back.
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